“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference”.
Robert Frost: “The Road Not Taken”:
We all have a desire to be liked. It’s universal, and human nature. Our family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, nieces and nephews, you name it, we want people everywhere to like us. And most of that list very likely does like us, particularly our family and friends. It gets a little tricker moving out to the layers beyond that. Neighbors can be a mixed bag. If we are slow to pull our trash barrels in each week, don’t rake up the leaves until early February, or blast music a bit too late in the evening, it won’t take long to feel a chilly reception when taking an evening stroll through the neighborhood. But, those relationships should be among the easier to manage with general courtesy, kindness, and keeping the visible parts of one’s property on par with the neighbors. How well we manage our relationships at work, among our ‘Professional Neighbors’, will generally tell the story of how well-liked we are throughout our career.
Let’s acknowledge that it is impossible to be liked by everyone. It shouldn’t hurt the ego to admit that there are and will be people who do not like us at every level of relationship we have, including some family and friends (we all have people we may exactly not care for, or don’t care for us, but have known long enough to consider them part of that extended ‘friend circle’). Thus, everywhere we go, we can expect of mix of people happy to see us, and those…not so much.
How does this desire to be liked factor into Leadership? Do leaders care about being liked? Should they? Is it something a leader should work on, attempt to track, or invest their limited hours to overcome perceptions either they have themselves or based on feedback received related to their likability? Questions related to human nature, as they are to leadership, are seldom black and white, but this one actually leans in the direction of ‘Yes, leaders should care more and should work on it’.
LinkedIn article from Martin Moore-‘The No B.S. Leader’ on Maintaining Professional Distance
LinkedIn – Be Friendly Not Friends
Why and How?
We all have a responsibility to one another to be good people, respectful, considerate, and kind. These fundamental lessons most of us are taught from a young age, and will usually get us 80% of the way to likability on their own. They are also the easiest things to do. The best leaders understand this and simply ‘try harder’, are purposeful in how they carry themselves, walk through the workplace, and are consistent in how they engage people, guided by these early teachings. Choosing leadership as a career path means accepting responsibility for having a consistent demeanor that is a cut above the norm. For the individual contributor, not responsible to lead or account for the work of others, it may not be as important. Of course, any individual contributor looking to move ahead, stand out, and get noticed as a leader-in-waiting should adopt a leader’s mindset and emulate what they have seen and experienced from the best of their leaders.
Leaders inspire and motivate others, and work an atmosphere of teamwork and support to others, which for exceptional leaders, comes naturally. There are aspects of leadership: collaboration, problem solving, emotional intelligence, building strategy and more, that can be trained to a solid, if not strong, level. Leaders who make the greatest impact on teams and their business recognize that they have a gift, an innate ability to lead, rally, and inspire others, and regardless of the industry they choose, use and develop their gifts, making it the focus of their career. It is their calling.
There exists a delicate balance between being a respected leader, or authority figure, who wants to have strong, positive working relationships with their people, and being a friend. While it may be tempting for leaders to prioritize friendship with their subordinates, believing it is the quickest path to a harmonious work environment, it is critical for strong leaders to ensure that boundaries, responsibilities, and the dynamics of their relationships are made clear, and take precedence over cultivating friendships. Most of us have experienced the transformative power of leaders who prioritize their roles as the Mentor and Guiding Force above all else. Yes, it is the longer, more challenging path, but the right one for the long-term success of a business, and for the fulfillment of the leader dedicating their career to their calling and their purpose.
We know the ‘Why’, let’s discuss the ‘How’:
Clarify Expectations:
It is always on the leader to communicate expectations to their team. The leader should never wait to be asked ‘what is expected of me?’, and when they do, they need to realize they are behind the eight-ball, because it should be a signal that beyond the person asking, their team at large is likely unclear and waiting for direction. Leaders who find themselves in this space may have indulged in the friendship approach, shying away from setting expectations, thinking(or hoping), ‘they know what they need to do’. In this space, lines become blurred, confusion reigns, and team members, most of whom look to do their jobs well, procced rudderless hoping they are doing the right thing. Making clear what tasks, goals, objectives, standards for both performance and behavior, is the responsibility of the leader to instill a common purpose, aligning the leader with their team.
Consistent Objectivity:
There are always times where tough decisions need to be made, and every leader is confronted with balancing the unpopular decision with team morale. A strong leader who has set the right dynamic knows they need to own every message, and every decision that impacts them and their team. The ‘Friend-First Leader’’ will find themselves in a highly precarious position, as the unpopular decision will no doubt appear as contrary to the person they are used to seeing day to day. It can also cause the leader to back off making the tough decision, whether passing off responsibility to others, bailing out with the use of “THEY”(remove it from your vocabulary, leaders!), ‘They are changing ‘x’….’, ‘They want me to let you guys know we’re going to take on new work….’, or the queen mother of all offensive phrases leaders should never use: “Don’t kill the messenger”. People lose respect for leaders who fail to take ownership of a message. People may not like the specific change (or change in general), or any decision they believe will unfairly or negatively impact them. However they will maintain respect for the leader for having owned the change, and will adapt more quickly and effectively, knowing their leader made the decision, or is aligned with critical business decisions made from above.
Establish a Culture of Respect:
It should be obvious to treat others with respect. That goes for anyone we meet of course, but we do have people we think about when it comes to respect. ‘Respect your elders’, most of us were taught early in life. Showing respect to teachers, law enforcement, family, clergy, in the workplace to our superiors or leaders, all fall under that same tier of those we are sure to treat with great respect. As it relates to leaders, some believe the easier path to creating camaraderie, getting people to do their best work, and toward earning respect, is through creating friendships within their team. This will assuredly backfire in the end. It will likely create a short-term positive, even fun, vibe and culture within the team. But over time, as people increasingly feel that they have a friend and not a boss, or leader, that respect will wane.
The accountability to the ‘friend-leader’ is not nearly as high as it is to the leader who has set up the proper dynamic. Simply put, we are not accountable to our friends to anywhere near the same extent. Our friends will accept our flaws and faults, if we run late, or cancel last minute. Friends see our highs and lows, our lazy moments when we don’t feel like going out, deal with the ‘sketchy’ language we may use, and so forth. Most of that we can’t get away with at work, but if a leader has established a friend-dynamic, it won’t take long for people to push boundaries and expect the same recourse, acceptance, for their occasionally less-professional behavior. People respect those who set clear standards, live by them, hold everyone accountable to them, and are consistent in upholding them. It takes longer, it takes discipline, and is no doubt the more challenging path, but the more worthwhile, as the one that will build the long-term success, and stronger professional relationships that good business is built upon.
Professional Boundaries
The friend-first culture is a slippery one as we know, and while we touched on the short and long term effects as it relates to culture, expectations, and respect, there is other more tangible impacts without proper professional boundaries. We all have varying degrees of friendships, from those that have been life-long, some made in high school or college, to neighbors, or clubs based in mutual interests. (We’ll exclude Facebook Friends, because they aren’t friends, and could more aptly be called ‘people allowed to look at my vacation photos’).
But think about the parallels between personal relationships, true friendships, and those in the workplace. Can a leader have the same ‘varying degrees’ of friendships within their team? Do their direct reports understand this? Do they expect to be treated the same as those who may be perceived as the leader’s closest friend? It is not only a slippery slope, but is a recipe for conflict, grievance, and potentially have legal ramifications considering it is the same leader who will have to manage and address all aspects of the employee’s performance and whether on their own or being pushed to do so from above, may have to discipline or terminate an employee.
Forbes Article: “Can Bosses And Employees Be Friends Outside Of Work?”
https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2018/02/18/can-bosses-and-employees-be-friends-outside-of-work/?sh=6d58e6824140
Managers v. Leaders
There are many good managers that we all have worked with and worked for. But not all managers are leaders. Traditionally, managers have tasks, responsibilities for ‘things’, projects, workstreams, and results, often more than for people. A good manager understands it is the people who will do the work to get to the desired outcome, but the way a manager will go about can be very different from a strong leader. The manager may go about achieving results by setting standards, offering continual reminders of those standards, sharing updates on progress and performance, while communicating results regularly with recommendations for maintaining high performance or improving upon lower performance. Some managers may also go that friendship route, because it is seldom about the long-term culture or employee development, but about results here and now. And if friendship gets it done, a manager may be just fine with that. This is not to minimize the role of managers, but not all managers make great leaders, and vice versa. Simply, they are different roles – Leaders Lead People, Managers Manage ‘Stuff’.
The leader’s focus is on People, what makes them tick, what drives them, motivates them, knowing the environment and leadership approach that works best for their team, and looks to adapt their style to accommodate these needs. ‘Friend-first leaders’ will always have a tougher time offering that, because our ‘friends’ don’t help us build our careers, but our leaders can. A leader has, and/or develops and enhances, their emotional intelligence, mindful of self-regulation and awareness, and in tune with the personalities, levels of sensitivity, and moods of the people reporting to them. This ability is what helps the leader to know how to proceed day to day and in any situation. There is no one among us that does not want praise and appreciation for our good work, and a leader will consistently offer that.
In conclusion, the benefits beyond recognition from your leader-friend are many, and what leaders, not friends offer. The leader invests in their people, creates for them a path that parlays their work performance into next level progression, high-profile projects, or added responsibilities, which are things most employees want. A leader will create such opportunities for them, whereas a friend may focus more on the prize, or shout-out in a company communication, or ‘star on the forehead’ I like to say. But such recognition is fleeting. It’s the high-five, which is what friends give us, not leaders. Knowing that the leader you respect is guided by principles and standards that are both high and uncompromising, and they believe in you because of your effort to achieve and exceed those standards is what builds a culture of Respect, Accountability, Growth, as well as Camaraderie.
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